


Incorrect Lazy Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [7]
Category: LazyTown
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Breakfast Club, Crime Scenes, Crime Solving, Detention, F/F, Gen, M/M, Murder, TV fusion, bones - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2020-07-09 20:48:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19894123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Chapter 1: On a Saturday, March 24, 1984, five students at Shermer High School report at 7:00 am for all-day detention. Each comes from a different clique: stuck-up Stephanie Meanswell, geek Pixel Hyperbyte, wrestler Sportacus Strykur, rebellious Robbie Rotten, and outcast Trxie Troubleby.Chapter 2: Dr. Robin "Robbie" Rotten is a forensic anthropologist and team leader of the Jeffersonian Institute Medico-Legal Lab. He and his lab form an alliance and collaborate with Special Agent Sportacus Strykur and the FBI.





	1. Source: The Breakfast Club

**Author's Note:**

> Robbie, Sportacus, Stephanie, Trixie, and Pixel are roughly the same age in this chapter and are high schoolers

**Obtuse:** Well, well. Here we are. I want to congratulate you for being on time.

 **Sportacus:** _[_ **raises hand** _]_ Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but, um... I don't think I belong in here.

 **Obtuse:** _[_ **checks his watch** ] It is now 7:06. You have exactly 8 hours and 54 minutes to think about why you're here: To ponder the error of your ways. _[_ **Robbie spits and catches saliva, and Sportacus gasps in disgust** ] 

**Obtuse:** [ **points at Sportacus** ] And you may not talk. _[_ **to Pixel** ] You will not move from these seats. And you... [ **points at Robbie** ] ...will not sleep. All right, people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay... of no less than a thousand words... describing to me who you think you are.

 **Robbie:** Is this a test?

 **Obtuse:** And when I say "Essay", I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear, Mr. Rotten?

 **Robbie:** Crystal.

 **Obtuse:** Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even decide whether or not you care to return.

 **Pixel:** _[_ **raises hand, stands** ] Uh, you know, I can answer that right now, sir. You know, that'd be "no." "No" for me, 'cause—

 **Obtuse:** Sit down, Johnson.

 **Pixel:** Thank you, sir.

 **Obtuse:** My office is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions?

 **Robbie:** Yeah, I got a question. Does [Barry Manilo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barry_Manilow)w know you raid his wardrobe?

 **Obtuse:** I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Rotten, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull, young man or you'll get the horns.

 **Robbie:** _[_ **about Obtuse** ] That man... is a brownie hound. _[_ 33 seconds later, after he and the other students see and hear Trixie biting her fingernails. And he gives her a reminder.]If you keep eating your hand, you're not gonna be hungry for lunch. [Trixie bites another fingernail, and spits it out.] I've seen you before, you know.

****************************************************************************

**Robbie** : What do you say we close that door? We can't have any kind of party with Obtuse checking us out every few seconds.

 **Pixel** : Well, you know the door's supposed to stay open.

 **Robbie** : So what?

 **Stephanie** : So why don't you just shut up? There's four other people in here, you know.

 **Robbie** : God, you can count. See, I knew you had to be smart to be a...a cheerleader.

 **Stephanie** : Who the hell are you to judge anybody, anyway?

 **Sportacus** : Really.

 **Stephanie** : You know, Rotten, you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school.

 **Robbie** : Well, I'll just run right out and join the cheerleading team. [Sportacus and Stephanie chuckle] Maybe the prep club, too. Student council.

 **Stephanie** : Nah. They wouldn't take you.

 **Robbie** : I'm hurt.

 **Sportacus** : You know why guys like you knock everything?

 **Robbie** : Oh, this should be stunning.

 **Sportacus** : It's 'cause you're afraid.

 **Robbie** : Oh, God. You richies are so smart; that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities.

 **Sportacus** : You're a big coward.

 **Pixel** : I'm in the math club.

 **Sportacus** : See, you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong, so you just have to dump all over it.

 **Robbie** : Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with your activities people being assholes, now would it?

 **Sportacus** : Well you wouldn't know; you don't even know any of us.

 **Robbie** : Well, I don't know any lepers, either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their fucking clubs.

 **Stephanie** : Uh, let's watch the mouth, huh?

 **Pixel** : Um, uh, this is a Club, too.

 **Robbie** : Excuse me a sec. [to Pixel] What are you babbling about?

 **Pixel** : Well, what I said was that I'm in a Math Club, uh, the Latin Club, and the Physics Club-- Physics Club.

 **Robbie** : Hey, Elf. Do you belong to the Physics Club?

 **Sportacus** : That's an academic club.

 **Robbie** : So?

 **Sportacus** : So, academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.

 **Robbie** : Ah, but to dorks like him, they are. [to Pixel] What do you guys do in your club?

 **Pixel** : In physics, well, we, we, uh, we talk about physics. Uh, properties of physics.

 **Robbie** : So it's sort of social. Demented and sad, but social, right?

 **Pixel** : I guess you could consider it a social situation.

****************************************************************************

**Stephanie** : Look, you guys keep up your talking and Obtuse is gonna come right in here. I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.

 **Robbie** : Oh and wouldn't that be a bite, huh? Missing a whole cheer meet!

 **Stephanie** : Well, you wouldn't know anything about it, faggot! You never competed in your whole life!

 **Robbie** : Oh, I know. I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys.

 **Stephanie** : Ahhh, you'd never make it. You don't have any goals.

 **Robbie** : Oh, but I do!

 **Stephanie** : Yeah?

 **Robbie** : I wanna be just...like...you. I figure all I need's a lobotomy and some tights!

 **Pixel** : You wear tights?

 **Stephanie** : No, I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.

 **Pixel** : Tights.

 **Stephanie** : Shut up!

****************************************************************************

**Sportacus:** What's your name?

 **Robbie:** What's yours?

 **Sportacus:** Sportacus.

 **Robbie:** Sportacus?

 **Sportacus:** Sportacus. It's a family name.

 **Robbie:** No, it's a fake, dumb, fatass name.

 **Sportacus:** [ **sarcastically** ] Oh, thank you.

 **Robbie:** You're welcome.

 **Sportacus:** I'm not fat.

 **Robbie:** Well, not at present, but I could see you really pushing maximum density. You see, I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin, but they became fat, so when you look at them you can sort of see that thin person inside. You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh... [imitates vomiting, and Sportacus gives him the middle finger] Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine boy.

 **Sportacus:** I'm not that pristine.

 **Robbie:** Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are. Let's end the suspense. Is it gonna be a...white weddin'?

 **Sportacus:** Why don't you just shut up?

 **Robbie:** Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Have you ever been felt up...over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off, hoping to God your parents don't walk in?

 **Sportacus:** Do you want me to puke?

 **Robbie:** Over the panties...no bra...blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past 11:00 on a school night?

****************************************************************************

**Obtuse** : I expected a little more from a varsity letterman. You're not fooling anybody, Rotten. The next screw that falls out is gonna be you.

 **Robbie** : [ **under his breath** ] Eat my shorts.

 **Obtuse** : [ **angrily** ] What was that?

 **Robbie** : [ **emphatically and louder** ] EAT...MY...SHORTS.

 **Obtuse** : You just bought yourself another Saturday, Mister.

 **Robbie** : [ **scoffs; sarcastically** ] I'm "crushed".

 **Obtuse** : You just bought one more, right there.

 **Robbie** : Well, I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar.

 **Obtuse** : Good! Because it's gonna be filled. We'll keep goin'. You want another one? Say the word, just say the word. Instead of goin' to prison, you'll come here. Are you through?

 **Robbie** : No.

 **Obtuse** : I'm doin' society a favor.

 **Robbie** : So?

 **Obtuse** : That's another one right now. I've got you for the rest of your natural-born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one?!

 **Robbie** : Yes.

 **Obtuse** : You got it! You got another one right there! That's another one, pal!

 **Sportacus** : Cut it out! [ **mouths** ] Stop!

 **Obtuse** : You through?

 **Robbie** : Not even close, bud!

 **Obtuse** : Good. You got one more right there.

 **Robbie** : You really think I give a shit?

 **Obtuse** : Another. [ **Robbie stares angrily** ] You through?

 **Robbie** : How many is that?

 **Pixel** : That's seven including one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Obtuse here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.

 **Obtuse** : Now it's 8. [ **to Pixel** ] You stay out of it.

 **Pixel** : Excuse me, sir, it's 7.

 **Obtuse** : Shut up, peewee. [ **Pixel obediently remains silent, and Obtuse gives Robbie the horns** ] You're mine, Bender. For two months, I gotcha. I gotcha.

 **Robbie** : [ **sarcastically** ] What can I say? I'm "thrilled".

 **Obtuse** : Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know somethin', Rotten? You oughta spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. Alright, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I have to come in here, [ **Robbie mouths what Obtuse says** ] I'm crackin' skulls.

[ **He leaves the library as Trixie watches; he opens the door, gives the horns to Robbie again, then closes the doo** r]

 **Robbie** : [ **angrily** ] FUCK YOU!!!

[ **Obtuse sighs and goes to his office** ]

 **Robbie** : [ **annoyed; whispers** ] Fuck.

****************************************************************************

**Robbie:** PB&J with the crusts cut off. Well, Pixel, this is a very nutritious lunch; all the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry, Mr. Rogers?

 **Pixel:** Uh, no. Mrs. Hyperbyte.

 **Robbie:** Ah. Here's my impression of life at Pixelate's house: "Son?" "Yeah, Mom?" "How was your day, sweetie?" "Great, Mom! How's yours?" "Super! Say, how would like to go fishing this weekend?" "Great, Mom! But I got homework to do." "That's okay, son! You can do it on the boat!" "Gee!" "Dear, isn't our son swell?" "Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?" **[kiss, then mimes punching]**

 **Stephanie: A** ll right, what about your family?

 **Robbie:** My family? Oh, that's easy. "Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamned, freeloading son-of-a-bitch! Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all asshole jerk!" "You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful!" "Shut up, bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie!" "What about you, Dad?" "Fuck you!" "No, Dad, what about you?" "Fuck you!" "No, Dad, what about you?!" "Fuck you!" **[mimes punching]**

 **Pixel:** Is that for real?

 **Robbie:** You wanna come over some time?

 **Stephanie:** That's bullshit. It's all part of your image; I don't believe a word of it.

 **Robbie:** You don't believe me?

 **Stephanie:** No.

 **Robbie:** No?

 **Stephanie:** Did I stutter?

**[Robbie approaches Stephanie, lifts his sleeve to show a burn on his arm. Sportacus and Stephanie look away.]**

**Robbie:** Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar. Do I stutter? You see, this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. See, I don't think that I need to sit here with you fuckin' dildos anymore!

****************************************************************************

**Stephanie** : What's bizarre? I mean, we're all pretty bizarre! Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.

 **Sportacus** : How are you bizarre?

 **Trixie** : She can't think for herself.

 **Stephanie** : She's right... do you guys know what uh, what I did to get in here? **[Sportacus shakes her head no]** I taped Ziggy Zweets's buns together. [ **Sportacus laughs]**

 **Pixel** : [ **Finally realizing she did it]** That was you?!

 **Stephanie** : Yeah, you know him?

 **Pixel** : Yeah, I know him.

 **Stephanie** : Well then, you know how hairy he is right? [ **Robbie smiles and laughs]** Well, when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some, some skin too.

 **Sportacus** : [ **After he heard the pain and talks painfully]** Oh my god.

 **Stephanie** : The bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my uncle... I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school, all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right? And, afterward, when I was sittin' in Obtuse's office, all I could think about was Ziggy's father. And Ziggy havin' to go home and... and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation...fucking humiliation he must've felt. It must've been unreal...I mean, I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way... it's all because of me and my uncle. Oh, God, I fucking hate him! **[Trixie inches closer]** He's like this... he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore. **[Robbie lowers his head in embarrassment while Pixel puts his hand on his face]** "Stephanie, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family. Your intensity is for shit! Win. Win! Win!!" **[Robbie & Trixie are still upset while Sportacus gets worried and Pixel still hides his face with his hand]** You little bitch! You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give...and I wouldn't be able to cheerlead anymore. And he could forget all about me.

 **Robbie: [comforting Stephanie]** I think your uncle and my old man should get together and go bowling.

**[Stephanie laughs briefly]**

**Pixel** : It's like me, you know, with my grades. Like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself you know? And I see me, and I don't like what I see: I really don't.

 **Sportacus** : What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?

 **Pixel** : 'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing shop. See, we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um...and we had eight weeks to do it and we're s'posed to, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk, the light was s'posed to go on. My light didn't go on; I got an F on it. Never got an F in my life. When I signed up, you know—for the course, I mean—I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, "I'll take shop; it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average."

 **Robbie** : Why'd you think it'd be easy?

 **Pixel** : Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?

 **Robbie** : I take shop. You must be a fuckin' idiot!

 **Pixel** : I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't make a lamp?

 **Robbie** : No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp.

 **Pixel** : What do you know about Trigonometry?

 **Robbie** : I could care less about Trigonometry.

 **Pixel** : Rotten, did you know without Trigonometry, there'd be no engineering?

 **Robbie** : Without lamps, there'd be no light.

 **Pixel** : I just wanna tell each of you that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty.

 **Sportacus** : Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us.

 **Pixel** : You're so conceited, Sportacus. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself; why are you like that?

 **Sportacus** : [ **about to cry]** I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!

 **Pixel** : Well, then why do you do it?

 **Sportacus** : I don't know, I don't-- You don't understand...you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Stephanie and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!

 **Pixel** : I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Sportacus? Well, fuck you! Fuck you! **[breaks down, begins to cry]** Know why I'm here today? Do you?! I'm here because Miss Busybodyfound a gun in my locker. **[Sportacus is shocked]**

 **Stephanie** : Why'd you have a gun in your locker?

 **Pixel** : I tried. You pull the fuckin' trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on... and it didn't go on, I mean, I--

 **Stephanie** : What's the gun for, Pixel?

 **Pixel** : Just forget it.

 **Stephanie** : You brought it up, man!

 **Pixel** : I can't have an F; I can't have it and I know my parents can't have it. Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me.

 **Sportacus** : **[softly]** Oh, Pixel...

 **Pixel** : So I considered my options, you know?

 **Sportacus: [softly]** No! Killing yourself is not an option!

 **Pixel** : Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so!

 **Trixie** : It was a handgun?

 **Pixel** : No, it was a flare gun—went off in my locker.

 **Stephanie** : Really? **[laughs]**

 **Pixel: [to Stephanie]** It's not funny. **[Stephanie tries to stop, but he continues laughing and everyone else begins to laugh especially Trixie and Pixel laughs as well]** Yes it is. Fuckin' elephant was destroyed!

 **Trixie** : You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing; I didn't have anything better to do. **[Everyone continues to laugh, now at Trixie]** You're laughing at me!

 **Stephanie** : No!

 **Trixie** : Yeah, you are!

**[Everyone can't stop laughing]**

****************************************************************************

**Pixel** **:** Dear Mr. Obtuse, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are and you see us as you want to see us: In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...

 **Stephanie:** ...and an athlete...

 **Trixie:** ...and a basket case...

 **Sportacus:** ...a prince...

 **Robbie:** ...and a criminal.

 **Pixel:** Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club. 


	2. Source: Bones

**_[Pilot](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilot_\(Bones\))_ [1.01]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=1)]

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Full participation in the case.

 **Sportacus** : Fine.

 **Robbie** : Not just lab work. Everything.

 **Sportacus** : What? You want me to spit in my hand? We're [Scully and Mulder](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_X-Files).

 **Robbie** : I don't know what that means.

_[Sportacus and Robbie are arguing about the case after questioning the victim's parents.]_

**Sportacus:** Which they won't read because they don’t want to, especially because towards the end Cleo and her parents weren't even speaking.

 **Robbie:** They told you that?

 **Sportacus:** You know, getting information out of live people is a lot different then getting information out of a pile of bones. You have to offer up something of yourself first.

 **Robbie:** What exactly did you do in the military?

 **Sportacus:** You see. You see what you did right there Bones? You asked a personal question without offering anything personal in return and since I'm not a skeleton, you get zilch. Sorry.

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : Right away Dr. Glaepur.

 **Sportacus** : He's got no sense of discretion that kid, typical squint.

 **Robbie** : I don't know what that means.

 **Sportacus** : Well when the cops get stuck we bring in people like you. You know, squints, you know to squint at things.

 **Robbie** : Oh you mean people with very high IQs and basic reasoning skills.

 **Sportacus** : Yeah.

 **Robbie** : What if Sportacus's right? What if I'm only good with bones and lousy with people?

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : People like you.

 **Robbie** : I don't care if men like me.

 **Stephanie** : Okay, interesting leap from "people" to "men," but I'm sure it means nothing.

 **Robbie** : I hate psychology. My most meaningful relationships are with dead people.

 **Sportacus** : Thought I’d find you here. You know, you being a good shot and doing martial arts, it’s all your way of dealing. Who knows better than you how fragile life can be?

 **Robbie** : Maybe an Army Ranger sniper who became an FBI homicide investigator?

 **Sportacus** : Ah, you looked me up, huh

 ** _[The Man in the S.U.V.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_in_the_S.U.V.)_ [1.02]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=2)]

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : We're dealing with someone here who devalues an entire culture: terrorizing people by using [God](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/God) to justify mass [murder](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Murder).

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : You're making it personal. That doesn't help.

 **Sportacus** : It _is_ personal, Bones. All of us die a little bit on one like this.

 **Sportacus** : Okay, what is so funny?

 **Robbie** : I just never figured you being in a relationship.

 **Sportacus** : Why? Do you think something's wrong with me?

 **Robbie** : Not wrong. You just have alpha male attributes usually associated with a solitary existence.

 **Sportacus** : What, me? You're solitary.

 **Robbie** : No, no, I'm private, it's different and we weren't talking about me.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : _[about Robbie]_ Please, she's been sleeping alone for months! She has enough pent-up sexual energy to power a small Midwestern city.

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : _[after Stephanie tells them she talked to Sportacus's girlfriend.]_ She's _spying_ for you?

 **Robbie** : No. No!

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : If you have nothing in common, it's difficult to sublimate intense sexual attraction. And we hear it's been a while.

 **Robbie** : _[glares at Ziggy]_ Okay, stop.

 **Stephanie** : He is _there_ for the taking, honey.

_[Sportacus arrives]_

**Sportacus** : Okay, I couldn't get his medical records.

_[everyone stops and stares at Sportacus wordlessly]_

**Sportacus** : What?

 **Robbie** : _[quickly]_ Nothing.

_[Sportacus and Robbie are frantically scouring the convention center for the bomber]_

**Robbie:** If you see him will you shoot?

 **Sportacus:** Well, he might not have the bomb.

 **Robbie:** You don't believe _that_.

 **Sportacus:** I'm not taking out a target, Bones, unless I'm sure.

 **Robbie:** Is that how you make it easier? Calling him a target?

 **Sportacus:** _[turns and glares at Robbie]_ You know, you picked a _really_ odd time to have _this_ conversation.

 ** _[A Boy in a Tree](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Boy_in_a_Tree)_ [1.03]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=3)]

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : Ah, you know, I'm glad we had that little chat about being nice to the locals.

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : I don't like sheriffs. They are elected into office, which means their goal is being re-elected, not finding the truth.

 **Robbie** : _[after catching the head that fell from the tree]_ We're going to need an evidence bag.

 **Sportacus** : Heads up!

_[the rest of the body falls in front of Robbie]_

**Robbie** : I am going to need a bigger bag.

 **Sportacus** : I don't... I don't like people who think they're better than other people.

 **Robbie** : Some people _are_ better than other people.

 **Sportacus** : Uh, you know what you said right there, that is so un-American. All men are created equal; either you believe that or you don't.

 **Robbie** : Some people are smarter than others; there's no use being offended by the fact. What are we going to tell Nestor's parents?

 **Sportacus** : We tell them that their son was found dead. "We're looking into it. Sorry for your loss," and we are.

 **Robbie** : What?

 **Sportacus** : Sorry for their loss. It's sad, try to remember that.

 **Robbie** : Uh, I'm not a sociopath.

 **Sportacus** : You're bad with people, okay. No use being offended by the fact.

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : I had sex with Naomi in Paleontology.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : You mean, actually in Paleontology?

 **Ziggy** : No, at her place. I thought it went great, but I could be wrong, because apparently what I think is wild and kinky is just basic. And since she never called me back, I'm wondering if it's because I lack imagination in the sack.

 **Stephanie** : You know what, Ziggy? I’m thinking this is more of a guy-guy conversation.

 **Ziggy** : Sometime when you're not busy, I wonder if I could ask you a few questions about sexual positions?

 **Sportacus** : If you even try, I will take out my gun and shoot you between the eyes.

 ** _[The Man in the Bear](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_in_the_Bear)_ [1.04]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=4)]

 **Pixel** : It's time to live a little, Robin. Connect with other people.

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Are you suggesting that I take this opportunity to have sex with Sportacus on a field trip?

 **Pixel** : Good God! Where's [Dr. Freud](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sigmund_Freud) when you need him?

 **Pixel** : _[to Robbie]_ Come on, now, you have partially-digested, dismembered skeletal remains to examine. That should put a smile on your face.

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : All I am saying is, why cut somebody into pieces?

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : Pack'em up tighter; maybe, say, in a suitcase.

 **Trixie** : How did a bear open a suitcase?

 **Ziggy** : I saw a documentary once where a [bear got into a car and drove away](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yogi_Bear).

 **Trixie** : That was not a documentary. It was a cartoon.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : Did you work all night?

 **Trixie** : Yes, I shaved the truffle.

 **Stephanie** : Is that anything like spanking the monkey?

 **Trixie** : I found boring dust.

 **Stephanie** : Is there any other kind?

 **Trixie** : Boring dust is produced by beetles, which means the tree the truffle grew on was infested.

 **Ziggy** : That's not going to impress Toni.

 **Trixie** : That's not why I did it. I did it to serve justice and capture a murderous cannibal.

 **Stephanie** : That'll impress the hot courier.

 **Trixie** : I am back in the game.

_[Stephanie and Pixel examine a Native-American stone wheel embedded with symbols.]_

**Pixel** : This one is for spirit, the heart... this one for knowledge... and this is for courage.

 **Stephanie** : So, we're looking for, maybe, [a scarecrow, tin man, or a lion](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Wizard_of_Oz)?

 ** _[A Boy In a Bush](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Boy_In_a_Bush)_ [1.05]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=5)]

 **Pixel** : When I said you should think of this invitation as a summons, I understated it. It's a subpoena, a Grand Jury subpoena. Ignore it at your own peril.

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : You're not going to fire us if we don't go.

 **Pixel** : No, not fire you, but I can move your parking spots to Lot M. Enjoy the shuttle ride.

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : The shuttle smells like feet.

 **Ziggy** : These are the smallest remains I've ever worked on.

 **Robbie** : That's a valid observation, Ziggy, but it's not helpful to the investigation.

 **Ziggy** : Sorry, Dr. Glaepur.

 **Robbie** : I was at Waco. Branch Davidian compound. I helped identify children who had been killed in the fire, seventeen of them.

 **Ziggy** : So, you're saying I'll get used to it?

 **Robbie** : No, I'm saying you will never get used to it. We're primates, social creatures. It's coded into our DNA to protect our young, even from each other.

 **Ziggy** : So I'm always going to feel terrible?

 **Robbie** : What helps me is to pull back emotionally. Just... put your heart in a box.

 **Ziggy** : I am not good with metaphor, Dr. Glaepur.

 **Robbie:** Focus on the details.

 **Ziggy** : Details, yeah. I can do that.

 **Robbie** : I'm afraid Stephanie might quit.

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : I'm amazed she stuck it out this long.

 **Robbie** : Why?

 **Sportacus** : Well, because she's human. I'm sorry, Bones, it's just that, you know, Stephanie didn't get the same training the rest of you got on Planet [Vulcan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulcan_\(Star_Trek_planet\)).

 **Robbie** : Do you remember me, Jives?

 **Jives Junkfood** : The museum dude, the one who's so smart.

 **Robbie** : Yeah, I'm pretty smart.

 **Attorney** : _[sarcastically]_ And very modest.

 **Sportacus** : Oh, believe me, he _is_ being modest.

 **Ziggy** : What do we talk about?

 **Pixel** : Your work, of course.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : Ziggy's work consists of removing flesh from corpses. Trixie dissects bugs that have been eating people's eyeballs.

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : Leave me out of it, I am not going.

 **Pixel** : And how do you see your job?

 **Stephanie** : I draw death masks.

 **Pixel** : Is that really how you see it?

 **Stephanie** : Don't you?

 **Pixel** : You are the best of us, Miss Meanswell! You discern humanity in the wreck of a ruined human body. You give victims back their faces. Their identities. You remind us all of why we're here in the first place, because we treasure human life.

_[Stephanie absorbs this and, on the verge of tearing up, embraces Pixel]_

**Pixel** : Oh for God's sake.

 **Robbie** : What happened?

 **Ziggy** : Apparently, all Stephanie needed was to hear her job description in a deep, African-American tone.

 ** _[The Man in the Wall](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_in_the_Wall)_ [1.06]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=6)]

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : TGIF? You've heard of that?

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Yeah, it's some kind of acronym, but my inbox is full.

 **Stephanie** : We know that's not true.

 **Robbie** : There's a TV show that needs research, not that they listen.

 **Stephanie** : We're going.

 **Robbie** : I really should catalog that skull. It's in the museum's exhibit on the French Revolution.

 **Stephanie** : Yeah, [Pepé Le Pew](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pep%C3%A9_Le_Pew) is more important than booze and boys.

 **Robbie** : I don't think that's his name.

 **Stephanie** : We are so gonna tear it up tonight!

 **Robbie** : That's slang, right?

 **Stephanie** : Right.

 **Robbie** : Do you ever go on vacation?

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : I take my vacation when you take your vacation.

 **Robbie** : What do you do?

 **Ziggy** : Go back home to Michigan, see the family. I have three brothers and four sisters.

 **Robbie** : Do you enjoy that?

 **Ziggy** : God, no. I made the mistake of telling them I work with corpses and skeletons. They think I'm a freak.

 **Robbie** : Then why do you go?

 **Ziggy** : It's my family... They love me.

 **Milford** : I've been investigated for years. Why do you think they never got me on anything?

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : Because you're so smart?

 **Milford** : Because Terrence Baskin is my past. I'm one hundred percent clean now. This is my life now. This and my record label, not crystal meth... not gang-banging.

 **Robbie** : Yet much of the iconic quality of urban music lies in the perceived or actual rivalry between the principal artists.

 **Milford** : Where did you find him?

 **Sportacus** : Museum.

 **Sportacus** : Randall Hall, he’s behind this. Randall Hall, okay? He killed these two people. We know it, he did it. We just can't touch him and there's no evidence linking him to the drugs, the cash or either body except for a couple of damn bone dimples.

 **Robbie** : I'll keep looking at the remains, maybe find the evidence we need.

 **Sportacus** : I can't let it stand.

 **Robbie** : What?

 **Sportacus** : You know what? I'm going to spread the pain. Okay, that's my new motto.

_[Sportacus turns and leaves. Robbie chases behind him.]_

**Robbie** : Wait, I can help spread pain. Wait!

 ** _[A Man on Death Row](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Man_on_Death_Row)_ [1.07]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=7)]

_[Sportacus and Robbie are in a conference room in the FBI building, sitting across from each other. Sportacus is filling out a form.]_

**[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : Name?

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : You know my name.

 **Sportacus** : Bones, you are making an official request to the FBI to be allowed to carry a concealed weapon. I have to follow protocol.

 **Robbie** : It's ridiculous.

 **Sportacus** : Fine. Then we're done here. Do you want to get some coffee?

 **Robbie** : My name is Dr. Robin Robbie.

 **Sportacus** : Reason for wanting a gun?

 **Robbie** : To shoot people.

 **Sportacus** : Not a good response.

 **Robbie** : It's the truth.

 **Sportacus** : You know, I'm writing 'Self defence in the performance of my duties pursuing suspected felons as contracted out to the FBI.'

 **Robbie** : So I can shoot them.

 **Sportacus** : _[gives her a look but continues undeterred]_ Have you ever been charged with a felony?

 **Robbie** : Charged or convicted?

 **Sportacus** : Charged.

 **Robbie** : You know I have.

 **Sportacus** : I have to ask the questions.

 **Robbie** : Bureaucratic nonsense.

 **Sportacus** : Nevertheless, name of arresting officer.

 **Robbie** : You. Special Agent Seeley Sportacus. Do you need me to spell that for you?

 **Sportacus** : I think I can sound that out.

 **Robbie** : So, when do I get the gun?

_[Sportacus stamps the application form and shows it to her. It says DENIED]_

**Sportacus** : You can't have a gun.

 **Robbie** : Why not?

 **Sportacus** : Because you were charged with a felony.

 **Robbie** : Write down that you were wrong to charge me.

 **Sportacus** : Oh, there is no space for that.

 **Sportacus** : Bones, you don't need a gun. If anyone needs shooting, I'll do it.

 **Robbie** : But what if you're injured or dead and someone still needs shooting? I'm not hoping it will happen, I'm just stating the possibility.

 **Sportacus** : Come on, you know what, Bones? You're a professor, all right? You're not an FBI agent. Use your mutant powers...just talk people to death.

 **Goggi** : So, you seeing each other?

 **Robbie** : Who?

 **Goggi** : You and Sportacus.

 **Robbie** : No. No, we're working together.

 **Goggi** : Cause, I'm picking up a bit of a sex vibe.

 **Robbie** : No, that's tension. _[A little frustrated]_ He has a girlfriend.

 **Goggi** : Tall, blonde, beautiful?

 **Robbie** : _[nods]_ Lawyer.

 **Goggi** : Figures. Should've jumped him when I had the chance.

 **Robbie** : You're really interested in Sportacus?

 **Goggi** : You aren't?

 **Robbie** : No.

 **Goggi** : Well then why are you helping him?

 **Robbie** : Because he asked me, he said please.

_[After Robbie breaks Maggi's wrist bone]_

**Robbie** : Are you going to arrest me for assault?

 **Sportacus** : From what I saw, purely self defense.

 **Robbie** : Maybe I shouldn't carry a gun after all.

 **Sportacus** : Hell, you can have mine.

 **Sportacus** : You know, I'm sorry for wrecking your weekend for nothing.

 **Robbie** : No, not for nothing.

 **Sportacus** : Ah, you know what I mean. You know all that running around it didn't change anything. Maggi was guilty, he was always guilty.

 **Robbie** : There was doubt. We had an obligation to respect that doubt. We all share in the death of every human being.

 **Sportacus** : Very poetic.

 **Robbie** : No, very literal. We all share DNA. When I look at a bone it's not some artifact that I can separate from myself. It’s a part of a person who got here the same way I did. It should never be easy to take someone's life. I don’t care who it is. _[Sportacus stares at her intently for a long while]_ What? What? What?

 **Sportacus** : You know you've been practicing your Nobel prize speech just a little too much.

 ** _[The Girl in the Fridge](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Girl_in_the_Fridge)_ [1.08]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=8)]

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : _[excitedly]_ _The Anthropology Journal_ is publishing our piece on the evolution of the Coronals suture.

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Worthy interruption.

_[Ziggy offers his fist to Robbie, who looks confused.]_

**Ziggy** : You're supposed to bump my fist with yours.

 **Robbie** : Why?

 **Ziggy** : I'm told it's a widely acknowledged gesture of mutual success. _[puts his fist down defeatedly]_

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : I love it when you two impersonate earthlings.

_[Trixie and Ziggy stare at Jives and size him up]_

**[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : You were Robbie's professor?

 **Jives** : She was 23, an adult.

 **Trixie** : _[mocking]_ [That's what Clinton said](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lewinsky_scandal).

 **Ziggy** : You run through a lot of students?

 **Jives** : That was a long time ago and Tempe was very advanced...more colleague than student.

 **Ziggy** : I'm a pretty advanced student.

 **Jives** : No offense, but, um, I'm not interested.

_[Jives is analyzing the skeleton while Ziggy videotapes him. Sportacus gives him and Trixie a thumbs-up]_

**Stephanie** : _[amused]_ Did you just give Ziggy and Trixie a sign of encouragement?

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : You know what, that's the first time I've been able to look at them without imagining knocking their heads together.

 **Pixel** : _[smiles]_ Agent Sportacus, you're accessing your inner squint.

 **Robbie** : The jury likes Jives better than they like me, apparently that's a problem. Are they stupid? Because they seem to be.

 **Pixel** : Compared to you, yes, they are stupid. However, compared to you most of the world is a little stupid. You have many skills Robin, not one of them includes communicating with the average person on the street which is exactly what juries are made of.

 **Robbie** : I'm a better forensic anthropologist than Jives Junkfood.

 **Pixel** : Which is why two years ago I hired you instead of him.

 **Robbie** : Jives applied for this job?

 **Pixel** : Yes.

 **Robbie** : His credentials are better than mine.

 **Pixel** : Yes, but you are the more rational, reasoned empirical scientist and you care and if he tries to convince you otherwise, tell him to go to hell.

 **Robbie** : How I feel doesn't matter. My job doesn't depend on it.

 **Milford** : But it's informed by it. Are you as cold and unfeeling as you seem?

 **Robbie** : I see a face on every skull. I can look at their bones and tell you how they walked, where they hurt. Maggie Schilling is real to me. The pain she suffered was real. Her hip was being eaten away by infection from lying on her side. Sure, like Dr. Stires said, the disease could contribute to that if you take it out of context; but you can’t break Maggie Schilling down into little pieces. She was a whole person who fought to free herself. Her wrists were broken from struggling against the handcuffs. The bones in her ankles were ground together because her feet were tied. And her side, her hip and her shoulder were being eaten away by infection. And the more she struggled, the more pain she was in. So they gave her those drugs to keep her quiet. They gave her so much it killed her. These facts can't be ignored or dismissed because you think I'm boring or obnoxious, because I don't matter. What I feel doesn't matter. Only she matters; only Maggie.

 ** _[The Man in the Fallout Shelter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_in_the_Fallout_Shelter)_ [1.09]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=9)]

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : Okay, you people listen to me. There is a party going on upstairs, okay? A Christmas party, we're going up there. We're going to talk to some people, we're going to sing some carols, we're going to drink some eggnog. _[to Sportacus]_ You are going to kiss me under the mistletoe. On the lips. _[to Ziggy and Trixie]_ I might kiss you guys under the mistletoe too. _[to Robbie]_ Maybe even you in a festive, non-lesbian manner. But we are going to that party.

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : You wanna know the true meaning of Christmas? It's being inside a 300-year-old inn with a French Canadian masseuse when there's ten feet of snow outside.

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : Christmas is going home to Michigan and heading into the woods with your brothers to cut a twelve-foot Christmas tree and you all decorate it together. Brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, forty people who all love you and are happy to see you. That, my friend, is the true meaning of Christmas.

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : You don't seem too upset about missing Christmas.

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Indications are that Christ, if he existed, was born in late spring, and the celebration of his birth was shifted to coincide with the pagan rite of the winter solstice so that early Christians weren't persecuted.

 **Sportacus** : What are you, like, the Christmas killer?

 **Robbie** : It's the truth.

 **Sportacus** : No, it sounds like the truth because it's so rational, right? But the... you know, the true truth is you hate Christmas, so you just spout out all these facts and you ruin it for everyone else.

 **Robbie** : I ruin the true truth with facts?

_[Pixel, Stephanie, Ziggy, Trixie, and Sportacus discussing how to set up a Secret Santa]_

**Ziggy** : I could build a random generator.

 **Pixel** : Wouldn't it be best to match complementary people in a premeditated manner?

 **Trixie** : I've got five numbers in my head, and five letters. You tell me the number, I tell you the matching letter.

 **Pixel** : Are the letters sequential or the numbers sequential?

 **Trixie** : Sequential. We'll go in order from youngest to oldest.

 **Ziggy** : Six.

 **Trixie** : There is no six!

 **Pixel** : A through E and 1 through 5?

 **Ziggy** : Six!

 **Sportacus** : _[holding out a jar with names in it]_ Okay, just...pick a name, if you get your own, put it back.

 **Pixel** : Oh. That could work.

 **Robbie** : Anthropologically speaking, gifts are a way of asserting dominance in a group. Now imagine an entire holiday devoted to self-promotion, especially in this materialistic culture. How can you expect me to get behind that? How can you get behind that?

 **Sportacus** : Wow, that's... that's deep. It's a very deep pile of crap.

 **Robbie** : You came to me with information this morning, a peace offering. But it was to make you feel better, not me. Proves my point.

 ** _[The Woman at the Airport](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Woman_at_the_Airport)_ [1.10]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=10)]

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : I can't go to Los Angeles. I have an Iron Age warrior to authenticate.

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : Iron Age warrior? When was the Iron Age?

 **Robbie** : Fifteen hundred years ago.

 **Sportacus** : Fresh body bits; just a little bit more urgent.

 **Robbie** : You do realize there are a lot more fresh bodies than there are perfect specimens from the Iron Age?

 **Sportacus** : You know, when you say things like that, it's just to bug me, right?

 **Pixel** : His bones bear the marks of battle. His weapons are of good quality, well-used. He's old for a warrior, yet how did he die, Mr. Zweets?

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : Looks like tuberculosis.

 **Pixel** : A proud man. Not the ending he would have wanted. Yet he was surrounded by family and friends. A good death.

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : Oh, please. Now you're describing a scene from _[Lord of the Rings](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Lord_of_the_Rings)._

 **Ziggy** : What's with Pixel and Trixie?

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : _[sighs]_ These guys, they should just lay 'em out on the table and measure.

 **Ziggy** : Lay what out on the table and measure?

 **Stephanie** : Okay, awkward moment. Let's just say they have different approaches and they're the guys.

 **Ziggy** : I'm a guy.

 **Stephanie** : You're...more highly evolved.

 **Stephanie** : Do the names Jives Jackson or Joan Rivers mean anything to you?

 **Ziggy** : One of them, the other I'll look up.

 **Robbie** : You're ordering a prostitute from my cell phone?!

 **Sportacus** : I'm wondering if Rachel ever took part in one of those two-on-one specials?

 **Trixie** : Hey! The old two-on-one special! Classic!

 **Ziggy** : What's a classic?

 **Sportacus** : That's great. Just send me whoever she worked with the most.

 **Robbie** : You're ordering a hooker to my hotel?!

 **Ziggy** : Did I hear you say hooker?

 **Trixie** : Hey, how come I never get to go on these out of town trips?

 **Sportacus** : Because you have much looser daily allowances than I do.

 **Robbie** : Well, have fun.

 **Robbie** : She thought she was ugly. She did everything she could to make herself beautiful, and all she did was make herself more invisible.

 **Sportacus** : Everybody in this city thinks they're ugly, and nobody is. I'm starting to get why you hate anonymous death so much.

 **Robbie** : We were born unique, our experiences mold and change us, we become someone, all of us, and to have that taken away by murder, to be erased from existence against our will it's just...

 **Sportacus** : Evil.

 **Robbie** : Unacceptable. These bones you bring me, I give them a face, I say their names out loud, I return them to their loved ones and you arrest the bad guy. I like that.

 **Pablo** : Agent Sportacus, can I have a moment, please? Um, have I done something to offend you?

 **Sportacus** : Look, I'm not really into this whole "West Coast In Touch With Your Feelings" thing, okay? So...

 **Pablo** : Yeah. Um, I'm really good at my job, and I've been nothing but cooperative and helpful to you, but you just freeze me out.

 **Sportacus** : Mmm-hmm.

 **Pablo** : And I know you have nothing against working with women because you're partners with Dr. Glaepur, so your problem must be with me.

 **Sportacus** : Look, I don't have anything against you, Agent Fantastico. I just don't like the way you view the FBI.

 **Pablo** : What do you mean?

 **Sportacus** : This is a proud and noble job but you're using it to get to something else. My advice? Write your script, get an agent, hell, have a little plastic surgery! But quit using my Federal Bureau of Investigation as a stepping stone into something that you think is better. Because in my book, there is nothing better.

 ** _[The Woman in the Car](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Woman_in_the_Car)_ [1.11]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=11)]

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : FBI!

 **Suspect** : US Marshals!

 **Sportacus** : US Marshals?

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Forensic anthropologist! That's why no gun.

 **Solla** : What I need to do here is to establish that you are not a threat to the security of this country.

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : I'm getting a degree in Forensic Anthropology; I'm halfway through another in Engineering. What are you afraid I will do? Build a race of criminal robots that will destroy the earth?

 **Solla** : Do you have that kind of fantasy often?

 **Ziggy** : Very often.

 **Solla** : Does it concern you that such adolescent thoughts are a sign of emotional retardation?

 **Ziggy** : I've been told I'm working on it.

 **Solla** : Can you understand why that concerns us?

 **Ziggy** : Not really.

 **Robbie** : _[disgusted]_ Who does this? Cuts a finger off an eight-year-old boy?

 **Sportacus** : Mercenaries, professionals. They don't feel a thing.

 **Robbie** : I feel things, Sportacus.

 **Sportacus** : Never said you didn't, Bones.

 **Robbie** : I'm a "professional", too. I do better work if I only see the finger and not the child. It doesn't mean I'm like them.

 **Sportacus** : Look, I know that, Bones, but what I also know is that they made a big mistake sending us that finger.

 **Robbie** : Why? Because it made you mad?

 **Sportacus** : No. Because you're gonna use it to catch them. So, you gather up your squint squad. Let's get to work.

 **Sportacus** : _[discussing the evidence with Ziggy and Trixie]_ Asbestos from brake-pads, leaded gasoline, mechanic bench you know ...plus the mother was electrocuted by current from a generator. We're looking for an abandoned gas station or mechanic shop off the grid. Now, you guys are geniuses! _[walks away]_

 **Ziggy** : How do we find that?

 **Sportacus** : Work for the FBI, you idiot.

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : Way to go, Ziggy. We went from geniuses to idiots in three seconds.

 **Solla** : Can you tell me what you were doing in Cuba?

 **Robbie** : Only if you tell me first.

 **Solla** : I beg your pardon?

 **Robbie** : I don't know your security clearance.

 **Solla** : Well, what is your security clearance?

 **Robbie** : You should check with the State Department.

 **Solla** : I'm from the State Department.

 **Robbie** : Then that should make it easy for you.

 **Solla** : When you were in Cuba, did you meet with a man _[consults notebook]_ named Juan Guzman?

 **Robbie** : _[holds up finger, dials a number from memory]_ Hello, it's Dr. Glaepur from the Jeffersonian; you told me to call you if anyone ever asked about you know...him. _[In response to question]_ Someone from the State Department, named Solla Meanswell. _[she hands the phone to Solla]_

 **Solla** : _[picks up phone, annoyed]_ Solla. Yes Sir, yes, I'll wait here. _[hands the phone back to Robbie to hang up, looks shocked]_

 **Robbie** : Any more questions?

 **Solla** : No. Uh, no, in fact the entire review is suspended. I'm to wait here until someone comes to destroy my notes.

 ** _The Superhero in the Alley_ [1.12]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=12)]

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : No, you don't have to solve the whole case just tell me if I'm looking at a murder, maybe, you know, pull a quick I.D.?

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Don't use your charm smile on me.

 **Sportacus** : What? It's a mark of respect. That's all.

_[Sportacus and Robbie enter into the driveway of the victim's house.]_

**Robbie** : It looks like every other house in the neighborhood.

 **Sportacus** : Every family has it's secrets, Bones.

_[Sportacus and Robbie are looking through the room of a teenage murder victim.]_

**Sportacus** : Unbelievable. _[sighs and goes over to pick up some comic books]_ This is quite the collection of comic books.

 **Robbie** : Trixie said that the cellulose mass was a graphic novel. He sent it to Stephanie for analysis and recovery.

 **Sportacus** : Sweet.

 **Robbie** : Sweet?

 **Sportacus** : Ah, he has Batman #127, featuring The Hammer of Thor. This is worth about three hundred bucks.

 **Robbie** : Sportacus, are you a nerd?

 **Sportacus** : First of all, you mean geek. And no, I'm not, okay? It's quite normal for an American male to read comic books.

 **Robbie** : I find it hard to believe you have anything in common with Stingy Spoilero.

 **Sportacus** : Oh, you mean isolated, with an inner secret life? No, okay. I'd say you were more like Stingy.

 **Pixel** : All writers reveal more of themselves than they intend on every page.

 **Sportacus** : You know, I've gotta tell you, I never bought all that English 101 stuff. Sometimes a river is just a river.

 **Robbie** : _[to Pixel]_ With all due respect, my writing, for example, is pure fiction.

 **Pixel** : Dr. Glaepur, I fear you reveal much more of your worldview in your writing than you realize.

 **Robbie** : Such as?

 **Pixel** : Such as, archaeologists make good administrators because they enjoy tedium.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : Such as, artists are doomed to a life of loneliness because they are unable to think beyond instant gratification.

 **Sportacus** : Such as, you know, FBI guys are hot and Stephanie here wants to have sex with me.

 **Stephanie** : Yeah.

 **Robbie** : You said before that Stingy reminded you of me. You think I'm just like him, that he hid from life by immersing himself in a fantasy world where he fought crime. And I do the same thing, only I don't have superpowers. I... I have science.

 **Sportacus** : No, Bones you do fight crime. It's not a fantasy, as far as any normal person is concerned, you do have superpowers.

 **Robbie** : You're just saying that to me.

 **Sportacus** : No, I don't do that.

 **Robbie** : Yes, you do. You lied to Stingy Spoilero's mother to make her feel better. That seems to be your superpower.

 **Sportacus** : Well, in your book, your partner's a former Olympic boxer who graduated from Harvard and spoke six different languages. In real life, you got me.

 **Robbie** : So what you're saying is that reality falls far, far short of the fictional.

 **Sportacus** : Yeah. Thanks a lot, Bones.

 ** _The Woman in the Garden_ [1.13]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=13)]

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : I read a book about improving work relationships. It's not fair to expect you to tell me everything.

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : I appreciate the effort, Bones.

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : Typically, gravediggers are necrophiliacs looking for a little action.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : Umm... ew.

 **Trixie** : _[after Sportacus tells her to "suit up", excitedly]_ Field work. Cool! Do I get a gun?

 **Robbie** : _[to Sportacus]_ You can't arm Trixie and not me.

 **Sportacus** : _[annoyed]_ What is it with you people and guns, huh?

 **Trixie** : And here's the kicker. There was also evidence of genetic material from a _[Franklinia alatamaha](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franklinia_alatamaha)_ on his shoe.

 **Sportacus** : You're kidding! I'm in shock...Frankie Alabama? You don't say.

 **Robbie** : Did you hear what I said about sarcasm?

 **Trixie** : It's a rare flowering plant that hasn't been seen in the wild since 1800. The only known specimen in this area, outside of a specialized botanical garden, was given to Senator Alan Corman as a gift. Oh, I love going after senators...

 **Sportacus** : Whoa, just, you know, simmer down there, Trixie, we're gonna check out the botanical garden first.

 **Trixie** : _[shrugs]_ Fine. It's at the White House.

_[Robbie and Trixie laugh and high five]_

**Sportacus** : Okay, you guys should do that even less than normal people.

 **Sportacus** : You put a hit out on my partner?

 **Ortez** : She's not FBI.

 **Sportacus** : _[punches him in the face, grabs him and points his gun right at his throat]_ I never said anything about FBI. She's my partner, _see._ And if anything happens to her, I will find you and I will kill you. I won't think twice. Come here, look in my eyes. _[pushes barrel of the gun into his mouth and cocks it]_ Look at my face. If anything happens to her, I will kill you. This is between you and me, and nobody sees, nobody knows.

 ** _The Man in the Fairway_ [1.14]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=14)]

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Ziggy, this is the third time in a row we've investigated without Sportacus.

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : I don't like it.

 **Robbie** : Why? He mostly ignores you.

 **Ziggy** : Ignoring me is Sportacus's way of acknowledging my presence. It's a guy thing.

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : FBI doesn't have jurisdiction on a golf course.

 **Robbie** : Well who does?

 **Sportacus** : I don't know, try the [PGA](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_Golfers%27_Association). Uh-huh, you know, you've done a couple of cases without me and you miss me.

 **Robbie** : Ziggy misses you, not me.

 **Sportacus** : Ziggy and I don't even talk!

 **Robbie** : He seems to think it's a male bonding ritual.

 **Sportacus** : Maybe he's right.

 **Robbie** : No it's not.

 **Sportacus** : Could be.

 **Robbie** : _[smirks]_ You told him that so you wouldn't have to talk to him!

 **Sportacus** : Well, it was nicer than shooting him!

 **Robbie** : I suggest we try to match this reconstruction with escort ads, both internet and print in the D.C. area.

 **Ziggy** : Oh, I'll do that!! _[pause]_ Was that overly enthusiastic?

 **Robbie** : Assume the victim was frozen solid when he was fed into the chipper.

 **Ziggy** : No way!

 **Sportacus** : _[to Robbie]_ The correct response would be "yes way."

 **Robbie** : Oh. _[to Ziggy]_ Yes way.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : What's goin' on? Why's every guy from the Jeffersonian here?

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : They're scientists. This is a fascinating scientific inquiry.

 **Stephanie** : Oh my god. They're all out here because your going to feed something through this wood chipper.

 **Trixie** : Not just something. _[pulls sheet off of table]_ Ta da! Frozen pig!

 **Stephanie** : Uhh...

 **Ziggy** : The morphology of pig bones is almost identical to human bone.

 **Trixie** : By feeding the pig through the wood chipper we'll be able to determine a dispersal pattern of the fragments.

 **Ziggy** : By comparing the pulverized pigs remains to the fragments we found at the golf course we'll be able to tell if this is the actual wood chipper the victim was fed through.

 **Stephanie** : Liars! You just want to see what happens when you toss some frozen pig into a wood chipper.

 ** _[Two Bodies in the Lab](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two_Bodies_in_the_Lab)_ [1.15]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=15)]

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : _[about the victim who is supposedly a mobster]_ Should we really be involved in mob stuff? I mean, they're really into the whole killing thing.

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : I have trekked through Tibet, avoiding the Chinese army. I think I can handle meeting someone for dinner.

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : Fine, you know what? You have fun with Dick431 or whatever his handle is.

 **Robbie** : Yeah! I will!

 **Sportacus** : Good!

 **Robbie** : Thanks!

 **Sportacus** : Fine!

 **Robbie** : Good!

 **Sportacus** : Did they gather all the evidence from the explosion?

 **Robbie** : Yes.

 **Sportacus** : You're sure?

 **Robbie** : Yes. Sportacus, I was there. They were very thorough and I was very annoying.

_[In the hospital]_

**Sportacus** : I don't even know if I have to stay here.

 **Robbie** : You got blown up.

 **Sportacus** : Pshaw. I've been worse.

 **Robbie** : You have burns, lacerations, two broken ribs, [greenstick fracture](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/greenstick_fracture) of the clavicle...

 **Sportacus** : Okay...I got blown up. _[reaches for pudding on table]_ Can you...can you hand me one of the puddings?

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : Let's talk revenge, bloodlust.

 **Robbie** : The cathartic release we are looking for can only be achieved when we successfully gather enough evidence to neutralize the person or persons responsible for putting Sportacus in the hospital.

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : Neutralize can mean either kill or arrest?

 **Robbie** : Yes, it can mean either.

 ** _The Woman in the Tunnel_ [1.16]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=16)]

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Maybe you could try the "hey we're brothers-in-arms" thing on him.

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : OK, that, what you just said right there, Bones, that was cynical. All right? That was glib and cynical.

 **Robbie** : Really?

 **Sportacus** : _[seriously]_ Yes. Really. I know what that guy has been through.

 **Robbie** : You killed a pregnant woman who's holding a child? _[looks intently at Sportacus]_

 **Sportacus** : _[pauses]_ Look, if you really want to know what I've done, I'll tell you. But you better be ready for the truth.

_[Robbie says nothing]_

**Sportacus** : Good choice, Bones.

 **Helen** : Harold said he was afraid of me?

 **Sportacus** : Said he was afraid of a blonde.

 **Helen** : How do you know it wasn't [Charlize Theron](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlize_Theron)?

 **Robbie** : Who's that?

 **Sportacus** : It's an actress. She's being sarcastic.

[...]

 **Sportacus** : You know, you amaze me. You know _[Treasure of the Sierra Madre](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Treasure_of_the_Sierra_Madre_\(film\))_ but you don't know Charlize Theron. _[looks at Robbie, half-jokingly]_ You know who you are? You're my grandmother.

 **Pixel** : If you don't mind some conjecture. _[looks around to Robbie]_

 **Robbie** : You're the boss.

 **Pixel** : This fellow knew that something of value was being stolen.

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : _[cuts in]_ Came down with an accomplice. _[Robbie looks at him]_ I apologize. I've been hanging around Sportacus _way_ too much.

 **Robbie** : It's a valid hypothesis. No doubt one of many.

 **[Ziggy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zack_Addy)** : They argue, one killed the other for the treasure. Doesn't that mean the vault will be empty when we find it?

_[Trixie looks up at Ziggy in astonishment]_

**Ziggy** : _[mutters to himself]_ Oh my god, they got me too.

 **Robbie** : You're nervous.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : I'm not nervous. I'm scared. I don't know how to talk to crazy people unless I'm dating them.

 **Sportacus** : Kyle hit the Duke with the candlestick in the crypt.

 **Pixel** : That's very good! Very good. _[laughs]_

 **Sportacus** : Right. _[laughs]_

 **Robbie** : What? What's the joke?

 **Sportacus** : [Clue](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluedo)?

 **Robbie** : What clue? _[Sportacus and Pixel laugh]_ What clue?

 **Sportacus** : Unbelievable, Bones.

 **Stephanie** : What's funny?

 **Robbie** : I have no idea.

 ** _The Skull in the Desert_ [1.17]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=17)]

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : _[on the phone to Sportacus]_ It took all of my charm—

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : All of _your_ charm? Oh boy.

 **Robbie** : Just to get the sheriff to let me look at the skull. When I asked him to let me send the skull to the Jeffersonian, he told me I am not a cop and I don't have any jurisdiction.

 **Sportacus** : Which is true. Okay, look, what do you want me to do?

 **Robbie** : I want you to get federal on his ass.

 **Sportacus** : _[smiles]_ Oh!

 **Robbie** : Wait outside while I get dressed.

 **Sportacus** : No. Unh-uh. The sun's been up for an hour out there. It's already the surface of Mercury. I can stand here, and close my eyes, eat my doughnuts. Best I can do, okay?

_[Sportacus, Robbie and Stephanie are stranded in the desert after the sheriff goes to look for his sister.]_

**Sportacus** : Either of you two bring any water? _[The girls show him their small water bottles.]_

 **Robbie** : Why? You worried?

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : About what?

 **Robbie** : Because we are way past where Jesus lost his sandals.

 **Robbie** : Because nothing in this universe happens just once, Stephanie, nothing. Infinity goes in both directions, there is no unique event, no singular moment.

 **Robbie** : Obviously, you subconsciously sifted through the rational facts of the case and processed the most likely scenario.

 **Stephanie** : I'm sure that's it.

 **Sportacus** : Yeah, what else could it be?

 **Stephanie** : Well it's the only rational explanation.

 **Robbie** : Are you guys making fun of me?

 ** _The Man with the Bone_ [1.18]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=18)]

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Why does the FBI always stick their morgues in the most depressing basement they can find?

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : Don't be such a snob, Bones, okay? Not everyone gets to play in a multi-million dollar lab, you know... with skylights.

 **Robbie** : It's because as a society we feel the need to hide death away. The people who deal with the dead are viewed as freaks.

_[Sportacus and Robbie are trying to get everyone's attention]_

**Robbie** : F.B.I! You're all under arrest!

_[All the workers stop what they're doing and look at her]_

**Sportacus** : Come on, Bones, you don't get to say that. I'm the one with the badge.

 **Robbie** : _[to Pixel]_ Bones don't just disappear. I thought this was a secure facility, you assured me this was a secure facility. I could be working at Stanford, you know? This never would've happened at Stanford!

 **Pixel** : We spend three-quarters of a million dollars annually on security!

 **Robbie** : _Obviously_ that's not enough. _[Sportacus comes in]_ I want my bones! Did you find my bones?

 **Sportacus** : Ooh, maybe you just want to, you know, chill a little?

 **Robbie** : _Chill_?

 **Sportacus** : Yeah. You know, take a pill?

 **Robbie** : Listen, _dude,_ my lab was violated, my bones were stolen, so I think I'll remain _warm_ for a little while longer.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : Honey, maybe you should focus on your breathing.

 **Sportacus** : Breathing.

 **Stephanie** : Count to ten.

 **Sportacus** : Count to ten.

 **Stephanie** : Have a shot of Jack.

 **Sportacus** : Shot of Jack.

 **Security Guard** : I didn't see the harm.

 **Robbie** : In stealing human remains?

 **Security Guard** : After 300 years, it's not like he's got a family grieving for him out there.

 **Pixel** : Think of me as a grieving parent.

 **Sportacus:** [Grand theft](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grand_theft), buddy. You're looking at eight years.

 **Pixel:** If I don't kill you.

_[Sportacus and Robbie arrive at a shaft to confront a suspect, who is unaware that they are nearby.]_

**Sportacus** : Guy was a [Navy SEAL](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Navy_SEALs).

 **Robbie** : So? You were a Guide.

 **Sportacus** : A _[Ranger](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Army_Rangers)_. I was a _Ranger_ , Bones, ok? I was not a Guide. Guides, they show you waterfalls, [they sell you cookies](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Guides). Was a Ranger.

 **Robbie** : What's he doing at the shaft?

_[Robbie goes towards the suspect, Sportacus holds her back]_

**Robbie** : Are Rangers afraid of SEALs?

 **Sportacus** : What? C'mon Bones. No, Rangers aren't afraid of anybody. SEALs are pretty good though.

 ** _[The Man in the Morgue](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_in_the_Morgue)_ [1.19]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=19)]

 **Ithro** : It's a mojo, this one is meant to silence the dead so they can't speak.

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : Well usually dead people are pretty much silent on their own.

 **Sportacus** : Voodoo... _[laughs]_ Who's gonna believe that stuff?

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : It's a religion, no crazier than... well, what are you?

 **Sportacus** : Catholic.

 **Robbie** : They believe in the same saints you do. And prayer. What they call spells, you call miracles. They have priests.

 **Sportacus** : We don't make zombies.

 **Robbie** : Jesus rose from the dead after three days. _[Answers phone]_ Robbie.

 **Sportacus** : Jesus is not a zombie, right?! I shouldn't even have to tell you that.

 **Detective Hyperbyte** : _[to Sportacus]_ You found a prosecutor to defend her? Interesting tactic.

 **Robbie** : I've told Detective Hyperbyte everything I know so far-

 **Bessie** : He’s a fool!? _[to Sportacus]_ You didn't tell me he's a fool!

 **Sportacus** : No, he's a a brilliant forensic anthropologist.

 **Robbie** : Wa..I have three degrees. I-I've pioneered research in-

 **Bessie** : What's that? _[pointing to the evidence]_

 **Robbie** : A [gris-gris bag](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gris-gris_\(talisman\)), I found it in my hotel- _[tries to hold evidence but Detective Hyperbyte took it away]_ -room. I'm assuming the person who left it there was trying to frame me, so the tooth is… probably Graham's.

 **Bessie** : Three degrees and still a fool!

 **Robbie** : Why are you nice to me?

 **Sportacus** : Because. Because they think they get away with it.

 **Robbie** : What?

 **Sportacus** : They burn their victim, they blow him up, they toss him in the ocean, they bury him in the desert, they throw 'em to wood chippers. Sometimes, you know, years go by. They relax. Then they start living their lives like they didn't do anything wrong. Like they didn't spend somebody else's life in order to get what they got. They think they're safe from retribution. You make those bastards unsafe. That's why I'm nice to you.

 **Robbie** : I couldn't do that without you, Sportacus.

 **Sportacus** : Yeah. So, um, you should be a little nicer to me, huh?

 **Robbie** : I really should.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : You know what? This whole state of affairs where Robbie runs around fighting crime, it's stupid. It's nuts. Don't you agree?

[...]

 **Stephanie** : What is going on with her?

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : Stephanie, she started to change the day she met you.

 **Stephanie** : What???

 **Trixie** : She sees how _you_ do it. All fun and involvement and pizzazz. Big, ya know? Big life. Sportacus came along and gave her the opportunity but she got the idea from you. Robbie wants a big life like yours.

 ** _The Graft in the Girl_ [1.20]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=20)]

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : About a month ago, his daughter, Goggi, was diagnosed with cancer. Meso––

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : [Mesothelioma](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mesothelioma). Lung cancer.

 **Sportacus** : Exactly. So she is not doing so well, so it's a lot easier for us to come to him right now.

 **Robbie** : Huh.

 **Sportacus** : Huh what?

 **Robbie** : Nothing, it's just...that's an extremely rare form of lung cancer, odd for someone Goggi's age to contract—

 **Sportacus** : No, no no no, no probing, 'kay? Not to Spoilero, not to his family. This will take five minutes, we go in there, we do the show and tell, we leave him with the case, and then we're outta there. Is that clear?

 **Robbie** : I just think it's peculiar––

 **Sportacus** : No.

 **Robbie** : But I––

 **Sportacus** : No!

 **Robbie** : You have to admit––

 **Spoilero** : _[before Sportacus can answer Robbie]_ Sportacus! Dr. Glaepur. _[walks up to them]_ How appropriate. You two bickering in an adolescent wing.

 **Robbie** : Doctor, you performed Goggi Spoilero's graft, correct?

 **Dr. Genie:** Yes but I just do the procedure, Mr. Rotten.

 **Sportacus** : Dr. Glaepur.

 **Dr. Genie** : MD?

 **Robbie** : PhD.

 **Dr. Genie** : _[smiles]_ Well, those who can't do do research. _[Sportacus is about to confront him but Robbie holds him back]_

 **Sportacus** : How do you listen to this all day?

 **Robbie** : I find intelligence soothing.

 **Sportacus** : She hated the guy, my guess is she got 10 G's stuffed in her mattress back in Trailerville.

 **Sportacus** : So, is it him?

 **Robbie** : It's him. But here's the kickster—

 **Sportacus** : Kicker, Bones. Here's the kicker.

 **Robbie** : Oh.

 ** _The Soldier on the Grave_ [1.21]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=21)]

 **Sportacus:** Never get used to the magnitude of this place, what it's taken to keep this country free.

 **Robbie:** All societies build monuments to their dead, to convince future combatants that it's an honor to die in battle.

 **[Trixie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Hodgins_\(Bones\))** : _[about the War in Iraq]_ Are you defending what's going on over there?

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : No, mistakes were made, obviously.

 **Trixie** : Yeah! Like establishing military bases over there instead of investing a fraction of what this war costs into alternative energy projects.

 **Stephanie** : Nothing is that simple.

 **Trixie** : To me it is! We are ruled by the corporate oligarchy, face it.

[...]

 **Stephanie** : You want to make the world a better place, Trix? Try shutting your yap long enough to hear something other than the sound of your own voice.

 **Stephanie** : How's Sportacus doing?

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : He's angry, I think I said some things.

 **Stephanie** : Sweetie.

 **Robbie** : He wasn't being objective, I just had to get him to focus.

 **Stephanie** : You have to think before you speak.

 **Robbie** : Why? I can say anything to you without thinking about it first.

 **Stephanie** : Yeah, men aren't like us. They're much more fragile and needy. The fact that they think _we're_ the needy ones is a testament to our superiority.

 **Robbie** : _[smiles resignedly]_ Yeah, I guess I forgot.

 **Robbie** : This is hard for Sportacus, he's idealistic.

 **Stephanie** : Well, it's nice to somebody who wants to keep honor and responsibility alive.

 **Robbie** : But I feel like Sportacus thinks I'm taking that away from him.

[...]

 **Stephanie** : You're just doing your job, he knows that.

 **Robbie** : I guess. [...] Tell Sportacus we're on the same side, I'm not the one who's disillusioning him, it's my findings, but when I look at him, I–– _[sighs]_ I don't know what else I can do.

 **Stephanie** : I do.

 **Robbie** : _[scoffs]_ Ange.

 **Stephanie** : As a friend, Robbie.

 **Robbie** : Yeah, the whole "friends with benefits" thing. _[shakes head]_ That's...that's not happening.

 **Stephanie** : I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about being there for him. Knowing when a simple touch is enough.

 **Robbie** : Maybe I could write him a note....I could be very articulate on paper.

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : People always surprise you.

 **Robbie** : That hasn't always been my experience.

_[Silence]_

**Sportacus** : I've done some things.

 **Robbie** : I know.

 **Sportacus** : No, you don't.

 **Robbie** : _[earnestly]_ But it's OK.

 **Sportacus** : _[hesitantly]_ Not...not that it's a secret. It's not. I have to be, uh, honest...about myself. I...I have to be able to tell someone.

 **Robbie** : You will in time, Sportacus. _[pauses]_ You will.

 **Sportacus** : It's never just the one person who dies, Bones, never. We all die a little bit, Bones. With each shot we all die a little bit.

**_The Woman in Limbo_ [1.22]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bones_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=22)]

 **[Sportacus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seeley_Booth)** : You licensed for this job?

 **Glanni** : You're a cop?

 **Sportacus** : You know who would recognize a cop?

 **Glanni** : Other cops?

 **Sportacus** : And crooks.

 **Glanni** : I call every year... on your birthday, you never pick up.

 **[Robbie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperance_%22Bones%22_Brennan)** : Take a hint.

 **[Stephanie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angela_Montenegro)** : Hate is a lot easier to deal with than love, especially disappointed love.

 **Sportacus** : McVicker likes to bash in people's heads, maybe we'll get lucky and match the weapon he used on your mother.

 **Robbie** : It's unlikely.

 **Sportacus** : In that case, we'll still ruin his day.

_[Sportacus leaves]_

**Glanni** : Tempy, that theory explains why Mom never came back for you during those one and a half years before she died.

 **Robbie** : What's your excuse, Glanni?

 **Glanni** : You're the one that left me! You needed someone to blame and you chose me.

 **Robbie** : I was fifteen years old!

 **Glanni** : I was nineteen. My parents were gone, my brother hated my guts, everyone's telling me that he'd be better off in foster care.

 **Robbie** : You didn't even ask me!

 **Glanni** : I tried, Robin, you wouldn't talk to me, you still wouldn't be talking to me if Mom's bones didn't show up. And I kept trying, every year every year on your birthday. You're the one that gave up. You turned your back on me and you made yourself a new family.

 **Sportacus** : _[making a toast]_ To us.

 **Glanni** : Whoever the hell we are.

 **Robbie** : To what we're becoming.


End file.
